Day 359.

“Though he slay me, I will hope in him; ….”Job‬ ‭13‬:‭15‬. One year ago today, I got the phone call. One year ago today it was Tyler’s intention to go to Heaven. But his journey took six days.

At 11:45 pm I received a call from the hospital in Rolla. “Mrs. Tapp, your son was found. His heart had stopped. Brain unresponsive. Need to cool his brain. He did sit up. We need to life flight him. Cautiously optimistic.” I clung to those last two words. As I drove to the hospital I called to check on his flight and the sweet nurse that answered the phone let me know that he was on his way to University Hospital in Columbia but then asked me if she could pray with me. She also let me know that she had her hands on my son and prayed as they were working on him.  Thank you Lord for making sure that in the most awful moment of my life that You have me. That You have my boy! When I got there Tyler was in the trauma ER and I was able to go see him. When I walked in, they were lifting sedation and I let him know I was there. When I spoke to him the nurse drew my attention to his mouth moving. Another little gift. But then the seizures started.  So, a much heavier sedation was given. He no longer responded after that. I may have it wrong but I’m sure my son knew I was there and I’m so thankful for that.  My son knew that he was not alone.

When I think about our time in the hospital I wonder how I had the strength to walk through it. I stayed in the room with Tyler and only left for enough time to shower and eat each day because the nurses were gentle in demanding that I walk away for small amounts of time. I slept little and ate even less but somehow I walked through each day, and each day since. In Exodus 16, Moses had lead the people out of Egypt only to find themselves in the wilderness and worrying about food. But the Lord provided. Not all they wanted, but all they needed and just enough for each day. Often when I start to think about how I will carry the weight of this pain for the rest of my life it is overwhelming. That is because I don’t have the strength for that yet. I have just what I need to walk through today. The Lord provides for today. I have to remind myself of that each day and most days multiple times and when I’m really struggling the Lord sends a friend to let me know. I’m thankful. So, as we find ourselves at a year my heart is heavy. The tears flow almost constantly. I am exhausted. I am held.

I submit to the Lord, I surrender to His sovereignty, I accept what he has allowed. God is good, even in this!

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.” Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭