Day 384.

Gratitude and grief as we find ourselves at our second Thanksgiving without Tyler. A day to remind us to be thankful. I am finding on most days that both can take up space in my heart.  Gratitude for the parts of my life that are so, so good. Deep, deep grief for the missing of my boy. Elisabeth Elliot said, “The deepest things that I have learned in my own life have come from the deepest suffering. And out of the deepest waters and the hottest fires have come the deepest things that I know about God.”.  I am finding this to be true for me, as I’m sure it is for most of us who cling to the Father during the trials that we face this side of Heaven.  “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm‬ ‭46‬:‭1‬ .‭

In the spirit of being honest, sometimes it is hard to go to God. After all, He is the one that allowed my suffering. He allowed my boy to die.  How do you seek refuge from your suffering in the One that allowed it. It is not easy, but I trust Him.  I am right now surviving what most of us think we never could, the death of my child. And while I’m not yet at the thriving part, I know that day will come. I know because I trust in Him.  “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭4‬. He knows how hard fought that trust is for some of us.

When I start seedlings and the time comes to plant them outside the boys have always laughed at me when my excitement comes from the beautiful root systems that are uncovered. These roots have developed in almost perfect conditions they get exactly what they need. What about when they get planted and sometimes find themselves in extreme conditions? Those roots will spread out and search for what they need. They will pull water and nutrients from the soil. That is me now, in extreme conditions in which I must search for that which will sustain me. The I am, the Ancient of Days. Abba our father. Elohim our creator.  Jehovah Jireh our provider.  Adonai our Lord. “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm‬ ‭55‬:‭22‬. My roots seek Him daily. One God with a thousand names. He is our all in all.

My prayer is that whatever this life brings I find a way to be grateful. I pray that I seek joy always. I pray that while sadness sits in my heart, it does not define me. I pray that I do not allow my sorrow to make me bitter. I pray that instead of why me, I say, “…….Here I am! Send me.” Isaiah‬ ‭6‬:‭8‬.

Today as we gather there are families missing someone. May we hold them close in prayer. If you find yourself at their table, talk about their loved one. It means so much when we know they are not forgotten.

“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”

‭‭Habakkuk‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬-‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬