Day 365.

One year. “….The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”Job‬ ‭1‬:‭21‬.  Time continues to be a strange thing on this road. I have no idea where the last year has gone. My mind is having a hard time coming to terms with it. My body is in a state of survival. I get up each day and feel robotic at times. Just one foot in front of the other. Keep taking steps. Just enough light for the step I’m on. Just enough manna for today. The Lord sustains. Not I but Christ in me.

Elisabeth Elliot said, “The hard place in which you perhaps find yourself, so painful and bewildering, is the very place in which God is giving you opportunity to look only to Him, to travail in prayer, and to learn long-suffering, gentleness, meekness—in short, to learn the depths of love that Christ Himself has poured out on all of us.” I have been called to a life of long suffering. I will endeavor to walk it with grace and seeking God on every step. Thankful that when words fail me, the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf. “Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭26‬. I miss my son. There is an ache that is constant. A sorrow that has settled into my bones. Joy that is hard fought. A patience developing. An endurance being learned.  A love that covers all.

One year ago today, my son received his reward, not because he deserved it but because God loves us so much that He sent His Son to die that we may be forgiven. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” 1 Peter‬ ‭2‬:‭24‬-‭25‬. Not one of us deserves Heaven, but I’m thankful that as I sit here with a broken heart that will last for all of my days on this earth, I do not grieve without hope.  I long for the day I get to see Tyler again, but until that time, I will strive to live life well.

Lord, would you please tell Tyler that I love him? Pinky raised, heart across your chest, and finger pointed at him so he knows it is from me.

“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭2‬-‭4‬