Day 501.

Sometimes when we are in a hard season we are desperate for growth that comes clearly. We want it to show up in a bold way so we can see something “good” happening. What if we never see the good this side of Heaven? What if growth is agonizingly slow? I pray often that when I get to Heaven God shows me all of the ways Tyler’s earthly death allowed for good. I know my heart will no longer be burdened by it but I pray for it still.

This walk is not easy. I am elbow deep in suicide statistics every day for something I am working on. It is heartbreaking and I am weary.  All throughout this time I constantly return to the Psalms; like so many of us who find ourselves in intense grief. “In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted……I consider the days of old, the years long ago……I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old…..your way, O God, is holy…..Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.” Psalms 77: 2,5,13,19-20. This seems so similar to my own prayers.

Lord, I am weary. I do not want this to be my fight. I want to declare your goodness from a place of comfort not sorrow. When I said, send me, this isn’t what I meant. But Lord, I trust you, I surrender to your sovereignty.  I know that what strength is needed You will provide.  Thank you for carrying me when I couldn’t not hold the weight.  May I honor You in my words and actions. In Jesus name, Amen!

When you spend so much time looking at the results of a fallen world it is hard to feel hope.  When you have felt the wrath of living in a fallen world it takes a toll. I am no different from so many others who walk a road that was not of their choosing. Fighting to see the goodness that very much still exists, fighting for joy, fighting to not let this harden my heart, just fighting.

I was a horrible teenager. Some of it spurred on by things that had happened to me, some of it brought on by myself.  Alcohol, drugs, school drop out.  I bet if you were to go back and ask those who knew me then, what they thought I would turn out like it would be far from what I am today. That is what God can do. I thought that because my children have had a very different life that things like suicide couldn’t reach us. But here we are living daily in the wreckage that suicide leaves behind.  We are not perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes as a mother. Not because I’m a bad mother but because I’m human. I have learned that suicide does not discriminate. I have learned that even people who love God with their whole heart still struggle with thoughts of suicide. I have learned that the ministry of presence speaks louder than words. I have learned so much.

Tyler is missed every second of every day and we carry him with us as we fight for people to see the value and purpose in their life. Suicide is not an easy topic and so many people shy away from it but every year close to a million people are dying by suicide around the world and the numbers are saying almost 20 million are attempting suicide. Our silence makes it difficult for people to reach out. I will not be silent. I’m asking you to not be silent.  Let’s have the hard conversations. Let’s show up for people. Let’s treat people better.

When we were younger and our bodies were growing we would get “growing pains” I feel those now. This growth is painful. The lessons are hard. The enemy makes me doubt how I could ever be used to prevent suicide when I couldn’t even help my own son. Tyler’s death was not good but…“we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬. This does not mean for my good but for THE good. The good of the kingdom of God. God is faithful.

Until my faith is made sight, my hope continues. God is good, even in this!

“but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,” 1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:‭15‬ ‭