Day 653.

Having a child die rips you wide open. Having a child die by suicide adds a complexity to the grief. The American Psychiatric Association ranks the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide as “catastrophic” - on par with what survivors of concentration camps experience. It wreaks havoc on your mind and body.  I have talked before about my surprise at the physical way that grief takes hold.  I’m exhausted. Every step feels like walking through quick sand. Every breath feels labored. Basic tasks can feel like climbing a mountain. And still we must get up. We fight to move forward in a world we wish would slow down just a little bit to let us catch our breath. If there is anything about grief, I wish was understood more; it is that the weight of it never changes just our capacity to carry it. Every day I have to make a choice to fight for joy because my circumstance certainly does’t call for it.

Grief can make you feel needy and so desperately alone. I have never been accused of oversharing about Jacob and Tessie but if I’m still talking about Tyler somehow I’m stuck in my grief or unable to “move on.” My child died, and it hurts more than anything. I am broken and angry and sad. Loving Jesus does not mean my heart doesn’t break. Jesus wept, and I am weeping too. This pain does not mean my faith is lacking, it means I am suffering in a broken world. I am holding on to Him through the dark. I know who holds the lantern that allows me to see.

There are times when I wish there was a church for the suffering a place where you worship but you aren’t expected to dance. A place where my tears are an offering. A place where hope and faith stay present, but it walks slowly through the dark instead of running past it. Church is hard when suffering isn’t talked about or understood. When you are looked at like you have done something wrong because of the way your child died. Your words somehow don’t have value because you have failed. My son died by suicide so I must not have had enough faith, didn’t pray enough, or didn’t set the right example. These aren’t words that have been directly spoken to me, no one would dare. But it is used in the language that is spoken from pulpits. It is the language that is used in conversations being held all around me. Do this and your children will turn out like that. If only it were that easy. My question is, why do we think it is that easy? Look at the world since its creation, God doesn’t demand we love Him, he asks us to. He has given us free will and with that comes reward or penalty. It is a challenging walk and if I’m being honest, it makes me angry sometimes. I am really struggling with it at the moment. I’m not saying that we should “let go and let God” when it comes to raising our children but to think that we somehow wield this control over the outcome isn’t what the Bible teaches us. We must be careful in the language we use. I have spoken with so many parents who have walked away from God because of the death of their child by suicide. Because they did everything they were “supposed” to and still. You see it isn’t God’s word that says if you do this or that it will certainly turn out right, it is us. It is in our interpretation. It is in our fear.

God continues to work on my heart. Being at this junction of frustration on the road is okay but I can’t stay here. I might come back, but I can’t stay. I can appreciate all of the ways this road leads me to God’s word in a deeper way. We are called to be in fellowship with each other. It is an important part of this walk. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17. We have to be careful that our sharpening doesn’t come in the form of judgement that is beating people down. Hear my heart. I don’t think we should go out into the world with reckless abandon and disregard of the bible but we should offer compassion to those who are struggling to find their way. Remember that some of God’s children are out here trying to create something that has never been modeled for them and they have a way of living that they are trying hard to unlearn and they may backslide sometimes or often. Following Jesus is a daily walk of transformation, not a magic switch that ends the struggle. If getting it right was that easy, the cross would be unnecessary. I know the power that Jesus holds, I am standing upright today because of it but I have compassion for those aren’t where I am in their walk.

May we go out into the world and treat people like they are created in the image of God. Because they are.

May we go out into the world and treat people like God pursues their hearts in the same way He does yours. Because He does.

May we go out into the world and treat people like Jesus died for them. Because He did.

God is good, even in this!

“for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:3-4