Day 591.

“If this valley is where you shape my heart. Then I won’t run I won’t fall apart. You see the ending from the start. You will never waste a broken heart. God, I’m tired but I trust you. Every step feels like a fight. I don’t have to have the answers but I still believe you’re right. When my faith feels fragile and my hope feels used.  I keep my eyes on Jesus. God I’m tired but I trust you.” These lyrics come from a song called, ‘God I’m tired but I trust you’ by Jesus Country Music Group and it has been on repeat the last couple of months. I am exhausted in ways that rest and more sleep cannot fix. The amount of work it requires just to take care of myself now is an aspect of grief I never thought about before. And when the world thinks I should be doing “better” I am reminded that there is no timeline. I am thankful that God’s word is gracious enough to show examples of long suffering and the toll it takes. When we hear the stories of David it is usually his triumphs. What about the years of lamenting, of questioning, of making really poor decisions? Even with those there is a trust and often a hard fought one. Samuel said of David, “…The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart, ….” 1 Samuel‬ ‭13‬:‭14‬. Even a man after God’s own heart walks through suffering when his son, Absalom, betrayed him. Yet when his son died, “the king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept. And as he went, he said, “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!”” 2 Samuel‬ ‭18‬:‭33‬. We weep over our children. Their life and their death if it finds us. There are a lot of moments when I ask, “why?” I am 46 and all throughout my life there has been suffering. I have walked through so many trials and I fight my way back each time. I don’t know why some of us are asked to suffer more than others. I think it is safe to say that life has an element of hard all the way through but not everyone experiences suffering.  I pray fervently that I am allowed a little break but in that same prayer is here I am Lord, send me.

There are a lot of books about grief, the  stages, the steps, the guidebook, the how to, you get the point. I want to read books and listen to people who are lamenting, people who asked the hard questions, who are angry, who are frustrated, who are wrestling with God but still saying God I’m tired, but I trust you, God I don’t understand this, but I trust that you are sovereign because there are a lot of people that want to tell you how to do things but grief is an individual experience and does not follow a guidebook. In my own household we are all grieving the same person but none of it looks alike. Grief is messy and I wanted to hear from people who admitted that. I didn’t want rose colored glasses. I wanted honest mess but no matter the mess, God is a good, good father, His character unchanging, and He wastes NOTHING! Not even my broken heart, not even your broken heart. Grief looks different for everybody and the type of loss makes a difference in how we walk this road . My only advice for this life is to just keep your eyes on Jesus, be in the word even when you don’t want to,  cry out to God, scream in anger, do what you need to do. But keep your eyes on Him, trust that He is sovereign, even when your heart is breaking. Especially when your heart is breaking. Most importantly trust that He loves you! Be patient with yourself.

Sometimes if you are a Christian and struggling it is seen as a lack of faith. Scripture says otherwise and I’m thankful once again for a Father who covers every season of life in His words. I read something a couple of years ago that said, “you cannot save your children from their testimony.” Oh how I wish we could but I cannot see what God sees. I wanted to protect my son and I could not. I wanted to save him from himself and I could not. I would have died in his place but I could not. Just before Tyler was wheeled out of his room to remove life support and then on to organ donation, some of his nurses were coming by to hug us. There was one who I had spent a lot of time talking to about her young boys and she hugged me so tight and said, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save him.” I said, “it wasn’t God’s will.”  I didn’t have to pause and think of that. It was an immediate response. I hold tight to that still. Tyler’s  life and subsequently his death is reaching people. I don’t want this to be my fight but every day I go to battle. I am declaring the goodness of God, even in this! None of this is how I want it to be but I trust God and I pray that no matter where life finds you, you trust Him too!

Until my faith is made sight, my hope continues. One day closer.

“Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭13‬:‭15‬ ‭