Day 412.

When Tyler was a little boy he loved Christmas and that never faded. I would like to say it was all because he was excited about the birth of Jesus and while that was part of it the gifts were wildly appealing as well.  Oh how I wish I could still fill his stocking and wrap presents for him.  As we settle in on our second Christmas without him I am fighting hard to see beyond my circumstances and be joyful. Joy is not the absence of sorrow they can co exist. It just means that it not dependent on my circumstance.

It feels so strange to be sorrowful at Christmas but here I am. It is a sorrow intertwined with hope. A sorrow that is always there, it lingers in every moment. But there is hope that comes with the birth of Jesus, the Savior of the world. “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.”Isaiah 9:6-7.  The One with whom my boy now rests in eternal peace.

As hard as all of the days are I will gladly celebrate today with a joy and peace that surpasses all understanding.  For celebrating the birth of our Savior is the reason I can grieve with hope. It is the reason I can get up each day and prayerfully do kingdom work.  God is in this story.

None of this looks the way I want it to but I am in good company with that. The world doesn’t look the way God wanted it to.  He wanted so much more for us than this fallen world.  A dear friend shared a video with me the other day where Joni Eareckson said, “God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves.” God didn’t want Tyler to die but he allowed it. God allowed Jesus to be born and die to save us. He allowed the deep, deep suffering of His Son to save us all.  For that I am thankful.

If you find yourself with the deep ache that accompanies grief, I pray that you are able to feel the love of the Father who mourns with you.  I pray that you are able to have a moment of respite today where you feel peace.

God is good, even in this!

“And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10-11