Day 103.

Learning self control in grief. At our church we do a women’s coffee every three months. During this time the women who have lived long enough to have gained the wisdom that comes from age, minister to those who are working on gaining wisdom.  We are going through Titus 2 and at our last get together we talked about situations where self control is important.  Spending money, time management, our words, and so on. I had a thought during this time and shared that I think self control during times of grief is important.  Satan will look for times when you are weak and right now, I am. He finds me in my grief. He wants me to question myself as a mother, he wants me to spend time mulling over the what ifs, and the could I have done something different.  The honest answer in that last question is yes, I could have done things differently because I am not perfect but the outcome would have been the same. You see because the number of days Tyler would spend on this earth were known by our Creator the moment he was given life in my womb. “Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass,” Job 14:5 ESV

Self control in grief doesn’t look like never crying or just getting on with life. It looks like taking time to grieve but don’t let it swallow you whole. It looks like allowing the storm to rage inside of you but seeking the Lord for comfort. Maybe it looks like being curled up on the floor sobbing but you get up. Maybe it looks like spending a day in bed but you have to get up the next day. It looks like screaming in the car because you have a moment by yourself. It looks like cooking meals for your family. It looks like seeking joy. It looks like taking walks. It looks like going to therapy if you need it. It looks like dinner with a friend on Tuesday nights. It looks like doing the hard things. A hard thing might be just getting out of bed.  And hard things might be going to the grocery store or church. Being around people can be difficult because my brain is in a constant state of thick fog, I’m tired, and I cry A LOT! All of those things are okay but I appreciate the times when I get a gentle, “pull it together girl.” We need people in our lives that will not allow the enemy to swallow us up.  Those who are willing to walk alongside us in the hard. Who pray for us when we cannot pray for ourselves. In life we have to be able to move forward and moving forward is different from moving on. I’ll never move on from the death of my son, as I have never moved on from the five babies who went from my womb straight to the arms of Jesus.  The ache in my heart will never go away but I do have to figure out how to LIVE with it.

For every tragedy that has found its way to me, I have said, “I can’t do this again, I’m not strong enough!” And then somehow with the Lord I make it through. Now, while I still question my strength, I say, “what do you have for me in this, Lord? How can I take this horrible thing and use it to better your kingdom?” Could it be sharing whats on my heart in this space? Could it be the plans to grow the largest garden yet, with so many flowers? We have plans to share this space with as many people as possible. Investing in people. Starting with the people in my home because they deserve the best version of me.  Relationships and community! God wants these things for us. That is by design. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22  I do not understand why God allowed Tyler to go to heaven so much earlier than I think he should have but He did. I trust in His sovereignty.  I trust that His plan is so far reaching that I cannot even begin to comprehend the good that will come from Tyler running to heaven. Please understand, I am not saying that it was a good thing but that God can make good come from the enemies plan to destroy.  Satan did not win on November 8, 2024, God allowed!

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23