Day 120.

It has been four months today. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago. During the last little bit of time my flesh has been desperately trying to make sense of what my spirit must trust. I have poured over all of the information from Tyler’s last weeks on this Earth and my mind wants to make sense of it but the honest answer is I can’t and I won’t ever be able to. If I believe in a sovereign God, which I do, then there is nothing that could have changed what happened.  Sin entered the world over knowledge and there are parts of me that can understand that now.  There are moments when I would give anything to understand it all. But, I will do the work of trusting. This does not mean that there aren’t things that could have been done differently leading up to Tyler running to heaven. Everything that happened on November 2, 2024, that lead to Tyler’s home going on November 8, 2024, was part of what God was going to allow to happen. Yet still, my flesh is fighting my spirit.  I’m heartbroken, angry and desperate to understand why my precious boy would run to heaven. Why, why, why? I won’t have those answers this side of heaven. You always hear people say, “I’m going to ask God this or that when I get to heaven.” I say that about this, but I don’t think we will. Not because our questions aren’t important but because we will no longer be burdened by them. Oh, how I look forward to that day.

So, how can my flesh lay this down? The honest answer is, I will more than likely wrestle with it for some time to come but God will be with me every step of the way and He isn’t scared of my questions.  God will not leave me or forsake me. He is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path and I need it now more than ever. The enemy wants me to be mad.  The enemy wants me to walk away from God because my heart is broken.  It is spiritual warfare but in the hard the Lord is working on me. He is changing me. He is making me more compassionate. He is making me a better person. Dare I say, He is making me stronger. The more I seek Him the more chance I have to walk this journey with a grace that only He can provide.  My spirit trusts but my flesh constantly fights against it. But that is what we all do in some way or another.  We just have to get up each day and put on the whole armor of God and face the battle with courage and a willingness to trust that we do not need all of these answers.  We must seek peace in the One who knows!

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,”

Ephesians 6:11-15, 17