Day 151.

I’m not sure how it’s possible that it has been five months.  Time is moving forward but it mostly feels like it is always November 8, 2024. Time stopped that day at 11:26 pm.  When we go in to fix something it often tends to look worse before it gets better. I’m there. I’m in the worse part.  I know that work is being done. It’s a fight and I’m giving it my absolute all to not let the pain of Tyler’s earthly death swallow me whole.

“no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 54:17

I think that when I have read this verse in the past it meant that if I am a good and faithful servant, all will be well. If I raise my children in the church and encourage their relationship with Christ, all will be well. If I do so and so, all will be well. Not that everything will be perfect but certainly I would not face the death of my son by his own hands. That is not how I understand this now.  You see, God allowed the weapon formed against Tyler to strike but Tyler’s earthly death does not mean that it succeeded. It feels like it sometimes but that isn’t the truth. I’m thankful that as we near Easter I am reminded that Tyler’s death here is not the end. He is in heaven.

The book of Job tells us that everything can be stripped away and the journey can be painful but God walks with us. We are not alone.  Jesus can calm the storm but the devil wants you to question your peace. Every day I pray for God to calm my mind, I pray for the ache in my body to let up. And when those things come I question it. It’s too soon! You shouldn’t smile yet! You shouldn’t …..! When we pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding, do we really want it? Can we see it when it comes? Peace doesn’t mean that all of a sudden everything is okay, I’m quite certain it will never feel okay again. Not that there won’t be good moments but in all of the good there is always something missing. It’s Tyler, he will always be the missing part of everything for the rest of my life.

“The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.” Psalm 121:7-8

Evil may come and it did in Tyler’s life but the Lord preserved his soul. Hallelujah!  I will see my son again and I will rest in that peace.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13