Day 181.

The delicate dance between joy and sorrow. Today is Tessie’s birthday and six months since Tyler went to heaven. Joy and sorrow.  She asked me to make Tyler’s favorite birthday cake. It’s her way of making sure that he is part of today. He always is and missed in every moment. The waves of grief that hit are intense and I’m thankful that my feet stand on a firm foundation.  “Christ is my firm foundation, the rock on which I stand. When everything around me is shaken. I’ve never been more glad, that I put my faith in Jesus.  ‘Cause He’s never let me down. He’s faithful through generations, so why would He fail me now? He won’t!” — “I’ve still got joy in chaos, I’ve got peace that makes no sense, I won’t be going under. I’m not held by my own strength, ‘Cause, I’ve build my life on Jesus….” Joy and sorrow.

Tyler and Tessie were close. They had a very special bond and he was wrapped around her little finger. And for her, he hung the moon. He would scoop her up and take her on little adventures. He did it with Jacob as well. He was a wonderful big brother in so many ways! She misses him so very much. She uses his bath products and it catches me off guard often. To smell him is wonderful and hard.  Joy and sorrow. But it makes her feel close to him so we let her have that. We all grieve differently. And we must have grace for each other.  I won’t stop her from grieving in this way because it is hard for me. She doesn’t have the emotional maturity (I question my own often and I’m 45) to express her grief in words. She has a lot of questions and I’m thankful that she trusts us to give her all of the details when we think she is ready. She does not know how Tyler went to heaven.  We have given her truths but not the whole truth.  It’s a fine line to walk. I don’t ever want to lie to my children. I want them to always know that I will give them the truth even when it is hard. So when she asks, I ask her to trust me and she says, “okay.”  I’ve said it before but mothering your children through this kind of grief requires so much grace. I get it wrong often and I’m thankful that as a family we forgive each other quickly.

Today, we celebrate Tessie as she turns nine and miss Tyler. Joy and sorrow. The bible walks us through the lives of so many that were filled with sorrow. To walk out this life in faith does not mean it will be without hardship.  It does mean that we can face hardships with a different strength. It does mean that we have hope. It does mean that we face each trial knowing it is temporary. This is not our home.  Jesus spoke of joy and sorrow. “Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” John 16:20-22  Sorrow can last for years and in my case, the rest of my life. But joy will come and it will never again leave. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t joy here because there is. So much of it! It’s a delicate dance and I’m learning how to navigate the steps with grace. I read something this week and it said, “emotions are the language of our heart. Faith is the language of God. Don’t let your emotions talk you out of your faith in what God spoke to you.”  I’m thankful that not once while on this horrible road have I questioned God’s love for me. For us all! We do not grieve without hope!

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.”

1 Thessalonians 4:13-17