Day 212.

Seven months. The ugly part of grief. When the road leads to anger. I’m angry that Tyler ran to heaven. I’m angry that God allowed it to happen. I’m angry that Tyler exchanged his pain for ours.  I’m angry that I’m angry about that. I’m angry that my son was so heartbroken that he didn’t see a way out. I’m angry that the last picture I have with my son is me holding his hand as he left this earth and went to Jesus. I’m angry that when I call him, he will never answer his phone again. I’m angry that every morning when I text him,he will never text me back. I’m angry that we will never dance at his wedding. I’m angry that Jacob and Tessie lost their brother to a broken world. I’m angry that I’m angry.  My beautiful blued eyed boy no longer walks this earth and that makes me angry.  This morning the message at church talked about some of the healings that Jesus did and I was angry that He didn’t heal my boy. I had to walk out as the tears came from a deep place and there wasn’t going to be any holding them back. In my time outside God clearly said, “I did heal him!” It just was not in the way I was asking Him to.  Right now my son is whole and perfect.  His heart is no longer broken and is now full of joy. For that I am thankful.

God isn’t surprised by my anger, he knew it would come. He just continues to be patient with me as I navigate this road that I don’t want to be on. My faith does not protect me from my grief. It will gently give me strength but the gauntlet of emotions are still there. I can trust and be angry at the same time.  I can’t stay here and I won’t. I have lived enough life to know that but I am here now.  I know that God will carry me through. There are days when it takes everything I have to just breathe. The bible warns about anger a lot, according to google, roughly 358 times. Anger is poison.  It is where the enemy wants you.  Someone asked me how my faith was doing and there was hint of shock on their face when I said that I haven’t once questioned God’s love for me.   I read something in a book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy, that said, “to cry is human but to lament is Christian.” I know what lament means but I was curious what google says it means. And, it says, (n)a passionate expression of grief or sorrow. (V) mourn a persons death.  And I agree but for the believer to lament is to take your sorrow to God but trust in Him always! I’m sure I have heard the world lament over the years but now it reaches my ears more and more. The Lord has me in the Psalms and my relationship with Him continues to strengthen. One third of the Psalms lament. There is deep, deep sorrow in the Psalms but also and more importantly deep, deep trust! Trust in the sovereignty of God. Trust that His plan is best. Trust that even when the weight of the pain threatens to bury us God is good!

Thank you for all of the ways you continue to show up for us. Your prayers are so greatly appreciated.

“Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mountains of God; your judgments are like the great deep; man and beast you save, O Lord. How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” Psalm 36:5-7.