Day 242.

Eight months. How is that possible? Time is such a strange thing in grief. It is almost as if it gives you a glimpse of what it says in 2 Peter 3:8 “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” Each day without Tyler is like a thousand years but also they seem to be going so quickly. Sometimes it is hard to see the world continuing to move on. I would take Heaven away from Tyler on most days but I’m eternally thankful for the way his earthly death has changed me. The clarity and perspective I have now could never have come without it. I would gladly give it back but i cannot so, I will find ways to be thankful. I’m grateful that my relationship with God has only strengthened. I pray that as the hard days creep in and I am hanging on by a thread, it is always the thread of His garment. He is my strength.

I’m also human so I cry and often. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to have a bad day but we have to continue to get back up. I struggle to live in a world where my son ran to heaven. I want to fix it. I want to look in the face of every person questioning their worth in a broken world and make them feel loved. I want to do so many things. I want to make sure that there is never a family left in the wreckage that suicide leaves behind. Unfortunately, because we live in a fallen world that will likely always be part of it. God in all of His wisdom knew we would need to know that wanting to end the suffering in one’s life and beg for death is not new but He tells us to hold on to Him. I wish that I could have said the right things to make Tyler understand that. Suicide prevention is heavy on my heart. I wish I could help them see that their purpose is far greater than their pain. That the pain, even if it lasts for years, is temporary. I wish I knew how to fix it right now! I do know that there is a day coming when it will be fixed.

I’m thankful that the Lord redirects my thoughts. When I get stuck in the what ifs the Lord reminds me, 22 years and 59 days.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:13-16  We when prayed for Tyler to be healed, he was. Just not in the way I wanted. I’m thankful that as I navigate this road, I know that I am moving towards Tyler. I pray I’m an old lady surrounded by my children and their children still in the garden before the Lord calls me home but I’m also very much looking forward to Heaven. I want to run to my boy and hear him say, “hi, mom” I have missed hearing his voice. I miss his laughter. I miss him. I’m thankful that I do not grieve without hope.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14