Day 259.

When our children go out into the world wouldn’t it be great if they wore a t-shirt that boldly declares, “I love Jesus and I want you to love Him too!” Some of them do, Tyler did not. Tyler was frustrated with the church, not God, just His people. Me too sometimes. The day before Tyler made the decision to run to Heaven I was talking to him about not holding the church body to a standard they can never meet. You see we are flawed and we will always fall short, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23  Tyler had not been going to church on his own but had started to talk to me about finding one. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for those conversations. They feel like a gift from God. For all of the ways we didn’t get it right as parents, we got the most important one right. All of our children know Jesus. That walk looks differently than I would like but I cannot save my children from their testimony. God is able to use it all.

When Tyler was in high school, I think it was his junior year but maybe senior, that isn’t important. He was given a note taking bible and he had assignments to complete and while I know it was completed for school I have enjoyed going back over it and seeing which passages of scripture he chose. Acts 2:21 “Then everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved,” was one of them and next to it he put “God saves, make a joyful noise”  Now, I imagine, as it did happen quite often, the girls in Tyler’s class would help him on the creative side of projects so that may have been the case here as well. But getting to go back and look at notes in his bibles and see what scripture stood out to him is a connection I’m eternally thankful for. I have said before that Tyler was not bold in his faith and he had been out of our home for a few years when he ran to Heaven. Over those years we had some really wonderful talks about Jesus but I wondered if anyone else had talked to Tyler about the gospel.  At Tyler’s celebration of life God allowed me to get the answer to that question when a young man came up to me and said that not long before Tyler’s home going he and Tyler had to take a trip that put them on the road for several hours and he shared with me that they talked about the gospel for most of that time and he has no doubt about Tyler’s love for our Heavenly Father! Thank you Lord for knowing how important it was for my heart to hear that. Jehovah Jireh!

As I continue to navigate this road that I DO NOT want to be on I have to be very intentional about seeking joy. Joy is different from happiness. Joy is fruit of the spirit, where happiness is based on circumstance. So, today joy comes from diving into his bibles and knowing that while it doesn’t look the way I want it to, God is good, even in this! I know where Tyler is and even though time continues to move forward without him here I know that he is very much a part of our future! This is temporary. There are so many excruciatingly hard days that make it hard to breathe sometimes. I do not see the good in every day, there is an ebb and flow. Fridays are usually very hard as it was a Friday when Tyler went to Heaven. But on this Friday,  joy is easier to find and I’m thankful.

“for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:3-4