Day 266.

Fighting to live in the wreckage of suicide. Suicide is defined as the act of deliberately killing oneself. That is the definition of man. But God is the author of life and death. We do not have the ability to choose when a life begins and ends. I have wrestled with this a lot. In the spirit of being honest, I’ve wrestled with being angry. I’m in the thick of that right now. Angry at Tyler and angry at God.  But being angry doesn’t change that I submit to the Lord, I surrender to His sovereignty,  and I (am working to) accept what He allowed. Being angry doesn’t change how much I love my boy and how my heart breaks that his was broken.

On November 2, 2024 Tyler attempted to run to Heaven but his journey took six days. I spent six days in the hospital monitoring machines and asking questions to doctors and nurses and praying for the life of my son. My first born baby boy.  I still can’t believe the phone call that came. The one that said, “Mrs. Tapp, there has been an incident involving your son…….” I just knew they had to have the wrong information, not my Tyler. My Tyler would never do this, there has to be some mistake. But there was not a mistake.

Job is referred to as a righteous man from the bible and yet there is a verse where Job says, “I would prefer strangulation and death over this life I live.” I’m thankful that God saw fit to make sure that these words were included so that those of us left in the wreckage of suicide would know that we are not alone. God allowed Satan to tempt Job, just as he allowed it for us all.

You see, wanting to end ones life has been part of the human condition for a very long time and God knew that there were people who were going to be left in the aftermath of suicide that were going to need to know that they are not alone. Also, all of the words of hope and redemption that fill the pages of scripture.  I am so drawn to them. The ones that say, this life is hard but it is also good!

These words are not shared to make it seem okay, it isn’t. And the pain for those left behind, these words are for you to see that God can take the unimaginable and make it good. God can take what broke your heart and make it full of purpose for His plan. Satan did not win, God allowed.  I believe that although the enemy broke Tyler’s spirit that night, he was welcomed home.  Because by His blood we are healed. Not one enters heaven sin free and because of a letter I know that Tyler ran to Heaven seeking forgiveness.  But even if I didn’t have that letter and even if in his final moment he didn’t seek forgiveness he would still be welcomed with loving arms that were open wide. That is why Jesus came! Because left to ourselves no one deserves Heaven.

Even with all of that there is still the part where we are left to grieve the earthly death of Tyler. The one where he could no longer handle the pain of this broken world and he ran to Heaven. This is where I find myself questioning so many things. Because if I believe in a sovereign God, then there was nothing that any of us could have done to change the outcome. But does that mean that there isn’t anything we can do now? I would move heaven and earth to stop another mother from feeling my pain.  Another father from feeling Andy’s pain. Another brother and sister from feeling the pain that Jacob and Tessie do.  Another family! I would like the opportunity to look in the eyes of anyone questioning their worth and tell them that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. That they are a child of the one true King! But you see, even with that knowledge we aren’t guaranteed a different outcome. Tyler knew those things but he allowed this broken world to make him feel otherwise.

I would like to share a statistic. Over 1,000,000 people in the United States will attempt to end their life every year. And just under 50,000 will be successful. That is one death every 11 minutes.  Be kind to each other, it may change someone’s entire life!  Don’t joke about it, it isn’t funny. Take people seriously and don’t be afraid to seek help on someone’s behalf. Quit with all of the boundary talk and live in community with each other.

There are generally strong opinions when it comes to suicide and I will be honest and say that I have very strong opinions about it still. I do not, for one second, want to minimize Tyler’s pain. The overwhelm he was feeling. The hopelessness that took hold. Tyler had also started taking medication and was in the first two weeks of that, which plays a huge roll in what took place.  But on that night Tyler exchanged his pain for ours.  Because that is what suicide does. When Tyler’s pain ended, ours began. This pain will last a lifetime. I will always carry it. I’m really wrestling with that at the moment. Grief is such a complex thing and because I’m human it is really ugly at times. But even in the ugly I can see and appreciate how God is working to make it good. This isn’t good but God is, even in this!

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.” Romans 5:3-9