Day 291.

Well meaning comments. So many over the last nine and a half months but boy they cut deep sometimes. I’ve never been an overly sensitive person but I’ve never been so deep in the valley as I am now.  Western culture is so strange when it comes to Christians being sad.  As if somehow sorrow is seen as a lack of faith. The bible is filled with lament. It is filled with struggle and the journey to walk with God through that. We live in a sinful and fallen world. Sorrow is very much apart of that. Jesus knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead and yet, “Jesus wept” John 11:35 Leading up to Him weeping, it says, “…..He was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.”  John 11:34 If our Lord and Savior can feel the sorrow of grief and express it, so then can we.  But….

On day 103, I shared my thoughts about self control in grief. I think it is important. Language matters, how we talk to ourselves makes a difference in our response to grief. At first, I would say, “God took Tyler home.” Now, I say, “God received Tyler.” It stirs up a different emotion.  At first I would count the days and say I’m moving further away from Tyler, now, I say I am one day closer to seeing my boy again. Language makes a difference. At first I said, “what if I had done this or that. “ Now I shut that down, 22 years, and 59 days were written for Tyler’s life. Language matters.  You see the enemy wants me to feel guilty and question myself as a mother. Those things do not come from the Lord and I work really hard not to spend time there.

That is not to say that there isn’t deep pain, there most certainly is. There is pain so overwhelming some days that I do not have it in me to fight it. So, for a day maybe even two I let it take hold.  I will say to Andy, it’s a hard day and we let it happen. I cry a lot and we may order in food but I am working on getting up the next day. I can hear my grandfather on the hard days, “you have to get up Chrissy!” And I do. I have to. Not only is there pain in Tyler’s earthly death but also that he died by suicide. I cannot even begin to put into words how much pain that brings my heart as his mother. So many questions and a gauntlet emotions. My heart breaks for his final moments, the ones where he felt so broken and thought the only way to end the pain was to run to Heaven. That was the enemy.  Language matters. Tyler told himself lies. In the same way that the words we speak to ourselves makes a difference, words we are told matter as well. Sometimes, it is better to be silent and just show up with the ministry of presence. The book of Job gives us a great example of this when three friends came to be with him,  “and they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” Job 2:13  Job went on to lament his birth and his friends sat witness. But then came their words. Well meaning but hurtful. If the grief is not yours sometimes there is an expectation for someone to move on from it. That seems to be what Job’s friends wanted. They were willing to sit with him for a time but then they needed him to look on the bright side and move on. They condemned his prolonged suffering. While their advice was rooted in good meaning it missed the mark. Job took his suffering to the Lord. His lament. It is important to remember that God does not have us all in the same place. Offer grace for those working to seek God on the hard roads. Sometimes it is better for you to take your words to the Lord and just offer your presence in silence. I have been guilty of saying the wrong thing so, I get it.

I heard someone say, “often we say there is not a  right or wrong way to grieve but that is not true. The right way to grieve is with God.” I could not agree more. God can handle all of our emotions and we can feel them all but with every single one, we must take them to Him.

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:17-18

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your affliction ends but when your mind is set on the Lord it can carry you through this fallen world. The death of my son has created an ache that is ever present. It never leaves, it will always be there. There will be days when it doesn’t look pretty and it isn’t. Every day, I learn how to carry the weight of grief and hopefully do so with grace.

This is a road I do not want to be on. I pray that if you find yourself reading this what you take away is that pain, suffering, sorrow, grief, hurt and all of the other words that are synonymous are awful and very much a part of this fallen world but God is good, even in this!