Day 297.

A mother’s cautionary tale.

September is suicide awareness and prevention month.  September 10th,  is world suicide prevention day. It is also Tyler’s birthday. I have wrestled with what to share and what to keep private because not everyone can be trusted with Tyler’s story. As his mother I still want to protect him. I’m not sure I even know how to articulate what I want to say. I’m also not sure how it is possible that this is the reality that we live in and waking up every day in it is honestly awful. But….

If me sharing can help anyone in anyway then that is what I want to do. Also, staying quiet has never helped or changed anything. So, here is the part I’m willing to share.

Tyler, like many young men wanted to bulk up. He had a thin build and said that he was being teased for that. It was something that he was insecure about. No matter how much I tried to assure him that he was perfect just the way he was and that if he wanted to bulk up patience and hard work would bring results. He was impatient and was encouraged to start taking steroids. Studies are showing that 20 out of 1000 male college students are taking illegal steroids. We watched it change him. Our light hearted, steady, go with the flow, funny son became short tempered, angry, and irritable. I tried time and time again to get him to stop them but he had people in his life that reassured him that they were okay to take.  He thought I was just over reacting because I will hardly even take a tylenol so he tended to have that opinion of me when it came to taking things.  I tried to explain how it was changing him but he couldn’t see it. Fast forward a bit, on September 11, 2024 he said, “mom, I quit them all.” And while I wanted this I warned him of quitting without weaning. But he had something happen on his birthday, the day before, that made him want to see things change in his life. I started meeting him weekly in Columbia to check in with him but watched him struggle through the withdrawal and in that struggle his mind and all of the changes became too much and he sought help. After one hour and him telling a doctor that he is having thoughts of suicide they prescribed him adderall. They had him fill out a zero suicide plan and off they sent him. Then after 12 days of taking it, he took steps to end his own life.  Steroids and adderall wreaked havoc on our boys mind. Our steady and true, level headed son.

I want to stop here for a second. I know that there are people who take adderall because it is needed and it is helpful.  I know this is not an easy topic and there are a lot of strong opinions on these medications. They have side effects and we aren’t talking about those enough. That is the part I want to make sure gets out.

I asked him not to take the adderall. He did not share with me he was having thoughts of suicide. If he had shared that he was having those thoughts I would have driven to him and stayed until we were able to make it to the other side. When you start taking medications like this, you need someone to be physically checking in with you. The medication acted like speed for Tyler, he wasn’t sleeping and over the course of five days, he spiraled to the point of wanting to end his life.  I was checking in with him but he wasn’t being honest with me. Over phone calls and text it is hard to get the whole picture. He was supposed to come home for a week and I was anxious to get an idea of how he was really doing. I never thought he was having suicidal thoughts but I knew he was having a hard time. He had gone to his ROTC command and shared with them that he was struggling so I just knew that with the doctor and his command they were making sure they were keeping an eye on him. I was wrong. It is so hard when your children become adults and people aren’t obligated to share things with you. We had also had a really tough year as a family and I know that was part of Tyler not wanting to share his struggle fully us. He didn’t want to be a burden. He wrote that in his letter to me.  Of course he could never have been a burden. That was a lie from what the medication was doing to his mind and that was a lie from the enemy.

The doctor had diagnosed Tyler with ADHD, now I’m not a medical doctor but I am his mother and I do not believe that my son had ADHD which is part of the reason the medication had such consequential side effects. Let’s say that he did have it, the medication should still have been monitored closely because of the potential side effects. The medications used to help treat ADHD, depression, anxiety have psychosis, anxiety, suicidal ideation, insomnia, and several other side effects. They need to be monitored more closely. There were things going on in the background that I won’t share and definitely contributed to Tyler struggling but the steroids and adderall are the part of Tyler’s story that I want to warn others about.

When parents have a child go to Heaven before them there can be a tendency to put that child on a pedestal. Tyler was flawed because he was human and we live in a fallen world. Tyler made some bad decisions. Tyler could be a real turd sometimes. But my goodness he was good too. He was caring and kind. He was funny and witty. He was steady and strong. He was smart and inquisitive. He was adventurous but also cautious.  He loved animals but not the work required to take care of them. He would give you the shirt off his back and spend his last dollar if he thought it would make someone he cared about happy. He was loyal. He was a wonderful big brother. He was a loving son. We miss him more than words could ever begin to describe. Tyler is so much more than the way he left this earth.

To the young men and women who may find themselves reading this, please don’t take steroids. If it says only for animals in order for people to “legally” sell it, please do not inject it in to your body!  To the person who might be struggling, reach out to someone and be honest about it. Keep reaching out until you feel it working. Because if you keep at it, it will! I don’t say that lightly, I know it is hard. I know that it may not be a quick process, be patient. No one can help you if they don’t know how. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! Do not believe the lies. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a child of God. You are loved. To the people who aren’t struggling, be kind. You never know what someone is going through. Kindness costs nothing. It always helps me to remember that even if I have certain feelings about someone, God pursues their heart in the same way He does mine. He loves us so much, ALL of us, and we are meant to show Christ by our actions to the world.  He wants us ALL to be with Him in Heaven for eternity.

This road is hard but God is good, even in this!

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,” Colossians 3:12