Day 314.

Where is God in suicide? God’s sovereignty and free will is something I have been wrestling with over the last 10 months. This is not a new question but it is where I am at on this road. Was God with Tyler? God’s word tells us that He is always with us. “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”Isaiah 41:10. Was He there as my son cried out for help? Was He there when my son begged for his mind to quiet? Was He there? The answer is yes. God is always with us. He weeps with us. He carries our burdens. But we are also responsible for our actions. Tyler’s healing was Heaven. God was there to welcome Tyler home.

God is the author of life and death. No matter the intention of those who want to end their life or someone wanting to end the life of someone else, God will allow or intervene. God knows the number of all of our days. Does that mean we don’t have a roll to play in the life of someone else? I have all of this energy in my head but my body is exhausted. I want to fix so many things and my mind spins almost constantly with ways I want to be helpful. But can I be?

I have questioned if we can cause change in someones life. Can awareness and prevention reach someone who is considering ending their own life? If our days are numbered how much does free will play a role. And then it occurred to me, Jesus called us to spread the Gospel. If spreading the Gospel can make a difference, if it can change eternity for someone so can talking about suicide. So, here I am talking about it. Sharing what it is like to live in the wreckage of it.  Praying that it can plant the seed to change someone’s eternity. Praying that it reaches someone who thinks everyone will be better without them. THEY WILL NOT!

I’m not sure that before I found myself on this road that the words of suffering in the bible reached me. Not that I didn’t see it but I didn’t pay attention to how much there was. The bible shares with us that life was so hard for some that at times they wanted their suffering to end. They wanted to die. Why don’t we as the church talk about that? I have a thought on that. We don’t talk about it because it is scary. If we talk about it, will it make people think it is okay? How do we shape our words to say this has been an affliction for generations but we must fight against it? How do we make people see that these thoughts can still come even if you believe and know with your entire being that Jesus came, died, and rose again for our salvation? How do we find the balance between catering to these thoughts and over correcting to the point of shutting down. How do we raise warriors capable of going to battle with the enemy who has come to steal, kill, and destroy? I think talking about it is so important. To ignore it is irresponsible. To think it won’t find you, is a lie. Making sure that our children know that there is nothing that cannot be redeemed. NOTHING! Letting our children know that it is okay to fail but you have to get back up. Sometimes your dreams won’t come true and you’ll need to pivot. I wish people would stop saying, “you can be whatever you want if you just work hard enough.” Because sometimes that just isn’t true. Sometimes you will work really hard for something and it won’t work out. The plan we have for our life doesn’t always line up with God’s plan. I’m living that now. Sometimes no matter how you raise your children, when the world gets a hold of them it has the ability to undo it. How do we change that last part? “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.”1 Peter 5:8-9. Here we are encouraged by God’s word. There will be struggling but you are not alone. And not just God being with us but those around us are struggling. That needs to be part of the conversation. It’s okay to not be okay but let’s work on getting to the other side. We cannot be complacent in sadness. Let’s pay better attention to those around us.

I don’t know how God choses those He allows to die but I submit to Him, I surrender to His sovereignty, and I (continue to work on) accepting what He has allowed. God is good, even in this.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,” Ephesians 6:10-18