Day 320.

Some days I have to remind myself to breathe. My breath will catch when the wave of grief comes crashing in. When the reality that my son no longer walks this earth hits, again. My knees buckle and I hit the floor. I give in to the scream that wants to come out. To cry out to God, “WHY?” Yesterday was one of those days.  When these moments arrive I’m thankful for the hope I have in Jesus. It allows me to get up off of the floor. At the moment it feels a little bit like I’m trying to outrun the pain. I stay so busy that my mind doesn’t have time to linger but then the minute I slow down there it is waiting for me. It always is. But….

Hope. It is a word that has come up over and over again the last 10 months. Depending on what version of the bible you are reading the word hope is written in scripture well over a hundred times. It is an important part of God’s promise. How do you continue to put one foot in front of the other without it?

The first weekend of this month Andy and I had the opportunity to attend a retreat for bereaved parents, hosted by the While We’re Waiting ministry. This retreat was specific for parents who had their children die by suicide. It was beautiful and hard. It was described as, “gut wrenching but heart healing.” I would agree. We were able to share about our children and there were a lot of tears (gut wrenching) but also, laughter (heart healing). The word of the weekend was hope. Because for parents who have had their children leave this earth before them hope is hard. So, here I am wrestling with what it really means to hope.

When we think of hope in respect to the world it can depend on circumstances. But God’s word tells us that hope is certain, it isn’t based on circumstance.  It is based on God’s character and He  is the same yesterday, today, and always. He is an unchanging God. This hope doesn’t mean that hard days don’t come. They certainly do. It does mean that we can walk through it but we must be willing to recognize that the Lord is with us. “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 38-39. There is so much hope in this verse.  God loves us and pursues our hearts. He wants us to spend eternity with Him in Heaven.

Hope like joy is not determined by what is going on in our life.  It is rooted in God’s promise. It is a choice.  “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12. It is easy to give in to the pain, it is easy to let it take over, it is easy to let it swallow you whole, it is easy to distract yourself in ways that are not fruitful. It is hard to fight against it. It is heavy and it bears down. When our life is going well we don’t see the importance of having hope as an anchor, but when you find yourself in the storm you want to make sure your anchor is ready to keep you steady. We have to trust in God, regardless of the circumstance.  “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain” Hebrews 6:19.  Choose hope.

God is good, even in this!

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:3-4, 6-9