Day 327.

Day 327. Suicide prevention month is at an end but for those of us who have had loved ones die by suicide it isn’t just a month on the calendar, it is every single day.  For the rest of our lives. I will fight to make a difference for as long as live. I don’t know what that looks like. I am trying to be patient and go where God leads me. You see I don’t want to walk this road. I don’t want this to be my fight. I cry out again and again, “Lord, I have worked so hard to build a life that honors you and this is what you have for me?” I’m not alone in fighting the road God has me on.  The bible tells us of those who have questioned God. In chapter 11 of the book of Numbers we find the people complaining. One of them was Moses. Can you imagine having been in the presence of the Lord, you have seen the miracles, and yet you question Him? These people complained that they didn’t have enough. They had all they needed, just not all they wanted. “”Moses said to the Lord, “Why have you dealt ill with your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight…”” Numbers‬ ‭11‬:‭11‬. I’m so thankful that God made sure there was a written account of that. Not for us to use it as an excuse but to know we aren’t alone. Questioning is okay but we must still surrender to His sovereignty. You see I have all I need, just not all I want.

I question how my broken heart can serve the Lord better than a heart that feels whole.  Charles Spurgeon preached a sermon on November 11, 1855, titled “Healing for the Wounded.” In that sermon he said, “We have seen parents bereaved of their beloved offspring one after another; and when they have been called to hear the solemn words,"Earth to earth, dust to dust, ashes to ashes," over the last of their children, they have turned away from the grave, bidding adieu to joy, longing for death, and abhorring life. To such the world becomes a prison, cheerless, cold, unutterably miserable. The owl and bittern seem alone to sympathize with them, an aught of joy in the wide world appears to be but intended as a mockery to their misery. Divine grace, however, can sustain them even here.” I can relate to all of but especially where he says, “divine grace, however, can sustain them even here.” While the Lord hears my cry, he understands the questions I have, he continually offers me grace. His grace sustains. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians‬ 12.9

I pray daily that I am able to steward my grief well. I pray that I do not waste this pain. I will share Tyler’s story and pray that it finds the exact person who needs to see it. I will share the excruciating pain that suicide causes and I will pray again that it finds the exact person who needs to see it. I will share that God is good, even in this and pray that it finds the exact person who needs to see it. I will pray!

I submit to the Lord, I surrender to His sovereignty, I (continue to work to) accept what He has allowed. God is good, even in this!

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

‬ ‭