Day 334.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Another minute. Another hour. Another day. Another month. Today marks 11 months on this earth without my first born. My son, the one who made me a mother. The one who made me want to be a better person, who still makes me want to be a better person.  The one who made me want to have more children. Missing him feels heavy. My shoulders hurt from the weight bearing down on them. Today, it doesn’t feel like I have the strength to carry it, and the truth is I don’t. Not I, but Christ in me.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬. ‭I gave Tyler that verse on a key chain years ago and when we went to pack up his apartment, there it was with his keys as it had been for years. With that knowledge, how did we get here? I have a lot of thoughts on that but the truth is I will not have those answers this side of Heaven. In Tyler’s letter to me, he wrote, “I’m sure I’ll have a lot to tell you when I see you again in Heaven.” He knew I was going to have so many questions. I’m thankful that our reunion will not be spent on wasteful words. My heart will no longer be burdened by these questions. Oh, how I long for that day. I pray there is a long time before my burden is lifted. It is such a strange thing to feel such a longing for Heaven but also a deep desire to continue this life for many years to come. Tyler is in Heaven and it’s a peculiar thing to not be where he is. But God allowed and I will strive to be the absolute best version of myself for the two children I still have the honor of mothering on this earth.

Somedays I find myself being extremely frustrated at the version of me they get now. The one who cries, often. The one who is never as patient as I would like to be. The one who is here but also not. The one who has a shattered heart. But even with all of those things that I am now, God still chose me to be their mother. So, when I find myself feeling like I’m not enough, I remember that God does not make mistakes. My children were knit in my womb by our Creator. I was designed for them and them for me. Parenting while grieving is a hard road to walk. The balancing of your grief and theirs. The grace for how it shows up in each of us. It’s all so hard because death was not part of God’s plan. Our hearts were not designed for such pain. “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—”Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭12. I’m so thankful that God made sure to have His words written so that we would have a guide to walk through the darkness. He let us know that while death is inevitable, “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬. He is a good, good Father.  His love is powerful. His character unchanging. He is sufficient. One day there will be no more tears but until then, mine will fall for the son I love and miss. I will continue to pray that I set an example for my children that while hardship is certain, we can walk any road with the assurance that, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”” Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭22‬-‭24‬ ‭

My flesh fails me daily and I have to continually come back to the Lord, that is by design. I could not walk this road without Him.

I submit to the Lord, I surrender to His sovereignty, and I (continue to work to) accept what He has allowed. God is good, even in this!   

“The Lord is my portion; I promise to keep your words. I entreat your favor with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise. When I think on my ways, I turn my feet to your testimonies;” Psalm‬ ‭119‬:‭57‬-‭59‬.