Day 337.

The last hug. One year ago today I stood in a Barnes and Noble parking lot in Columbia, Missouri and hugged my son for the very last time where he was able to hug me back.  The last time I was able to breathe him in where he still smelled like Tyler.  After we hugged goodbye as he walked to his car I called out, he looked back and we did our signature, I love you. Pinky up, hand across your heart, and finger pointed at the person.  The very last one.  We often hear about how each time could be the last time you see someone but I think most of us think we will have more time. I sure did. But I’m convinced that no amount of time with my children would ever be enough. I’m thankful I have eternity to look forward to. I think that might provide me with enough “time.”

We are nearing our first frost here. Plants that once bloomed with such beauty have turned brown. To most, the beauty is gone. But not to me, in that brown is life. In that brown the seed that provides next years beauty is hiding. The tall brown sunflower provides food for the finch who lands on the drooping head to reach under and grab its next meal. Because of death there is life. The garden dances with the certainty of life and death.  It is easy to get lost in Tyler’s death and not see the beauty in this life.  I’m thankful for all of the ways the garden walks with me. The garden gives you a heads up for what is to come. It changes with the seasons, every season, it is predictable. Maybe that is why I love it so. I know that with winter comes death and dormancy, with spring comes life, with summer comes abundant life, and with fall life starts to fade again. It is cyclical. It is steadfast. It is certain.  The garden isn’t worried about time. It does not stress about when water will come or if the sun is relentless. The plant that blooms with all of its beauty does not worry it just exists. It is not burdened by sin and the heartache that comes from living in a fallen world. I envy the garden. I will endeavor to be more like the garden. ““Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”” Jeremiah‬ ‭17‬:‭7‬-‭8

It is not for me to question what God allows. We were gifted with a wonderful 22 years and 59 days with our Tyler. That is the time that was allowed and I am glad for it. “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭18‬. ‭ In all circumstances, surely not this one. But yes, even in this. So, here I am working to give thanks for the years we had. That will take time. But I am putting in the work.

I submit to the Lord, I surrender to His sovereignty, and I (continue to work to) accept what He has allowed.  God is good, even in this.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John‬ ‭14‬:‭27