Day 348.

Obedience in grief. When I opened my eyes this morning I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. I do not feel like living in it today. I do not want to get up and put one foot in front of the other. I do not want to do the next right thing. I DO NOT WANT TO! I want to pull the covers over my head, go back to sleep and receive the respite that sleep offers. Every single day I wake up in a world where my son took his own life and the days leading up to one year are suffocating me. But Jacob and Tessie need my presence, animals need me to tend to them, and Andy needs me to carry my load. Because we both carry so much right now. So, I’m up. In obedience I am up.

On day 273 I shared about how I want to honor my purpose here. I do not want my pain to be wasted. I want to steward my grief well. The most important way I do that is how I show up for my family. One day I’ll share the whole story about how the Lord spent just over a year preparing my heart for Tyler’s home going, but for now, I’ll share  a little part of it. Every few months we have a women’s coffee at the church I attend. During this coffee time, women who have the wisdom that age brings share it with those of us a few years behind them. We have been going through Titus 2. “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.’ Titus‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬-‭5‬. They encourage us to show up even when it is hard. They share with us stories from their lives and how it is a honor to show up for your family. These women have lived a lot of life between them. They have suffered great loss and still they show up. In taking the time to teach us‭ they are modeling obedience. What a gift from the Lord. He spent time preparing me to walk through the hardest season of my life.

My children are paying attention to how I walk this road. It is important to set the example that while this is awful, we have to find our way forward. Perfection is not the goal. God nor my family need perfection from me. It is okay for me to cry while I’m doing the dishes and it is okay for my children to see me cry but I do not want them to see me bed rot because my heart is broken. I do not honor Tyler’s life by doing that. I’m not shoving the grief down, I’m allowing it to sit beside me while I move. We have to put one foot forward, we have to do the next right thing. And it is a gift we give ourselves. If we give in to the pain we miss the beauty that can come from the ashes. You see, this pain isn’t temporary, it is my companion for the rest of my life here, I have to get up. I have to find a way to function within its grasp. Life this side of Heaven can be hard, it is hard, and we can take a moment but the truth is we cannot let the hard win. It is important that my children see me get up. Above all of the earthly things that my children see, I want them to see my obedience to God. Trusting God in grief is obedience. I desire to be obedient. “I shake but my rock moves not,” Charles Spurgeon.

“I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭