Day 437.

Have you ever heard the saying, “better out than in?” I have come to feel that about the scream that I now carry. The one that on most days can be asked to stay quiet as I plead with it to hold on a little longer. But there are some days it will not hold and it must come out. I will get in the car, make my way to the highway, roll my windows down and let it go.  I miss my son. It is a deep ache. It is a scream that begs the question, why. Why my boy? Why did You let him die? Why, Lord, why?

Is it okay to ask God why? There was none that walked the earth that knew the love of God like His son and yet in the deepest part of his suffering he cried out, “why?” Suffering has a way of doing that. “ and about the ninth hour Jesus cried out…….“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”” Matthew‬ ‭27‬:‭46‬. There was this time when Jesus was treated like a sinner. “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬. Charles Spurgeon said, “His one moan is concerning his God. It is not, ‘Why has Peter forsaken me? Why has Judas betrayed me?’ These were sharp griefs, but this is the sharpest. This stroke has cut him to the quick.”

The death of Tyler has cut me to the quick. It is a thorn in my flesh. But God is okay with my questions. My questions tend to lead me to a steadfast trust of God. These last few weeks have been really hard, it is always hard but the heaviness brought on by just this time of year and the holiday season.  Last year the shock was still very present and while technically this was our second Christmas without Tyler it felt a little like our first. I am feeling all of it and it is brutal.

Now with the shock worn off and having walked through all of the firsts. People stop checking on you. The quiet settles in. And the scream holds another question, “what now?”

Around the time of Tyler’s birthday it occurred to me that at the end of all the firsts, is the rest of my life. Not that I didn’t know that but I was desperately trying to survive all of the firsts without him that I didn’t really think about it.  What do you do with that? You are left trying to live in a world that stopped but somehow continues to move forward. The sun continues to rise and fall every day. Breath finds its way in and out. I am clay in the potters hands. “And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.” Jeremiah‬ ‭18‬:‭4‬.‭ A new version of me is being created. But I’m frantically trying to hold on to the old version, the one that existed while my boy walked this earth. But she is no longer.

Every year we watch The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. As we watched last night and Frodo said, “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” Gandalf replied, “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.” I wish that Tyler was still here with us but God allowed his earthly death. Now, I have to decide what to do with this time that has been given to me. I want to steward my grief well. I do not want to waste my pain. So, I submit to the potter and allow Him to create.

God is good, even in this!

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:” Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬ ‭