Day 61.

It has been two months today since Tyler went to be with Jesus. This road is exhausting in ways that are hard to explain. I’m not sure I recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror, in part that is because I’m not the same person I was. I am forever changed.  I’m told this is all normal. But what is normal? The death of a child is described as being the most unnatural feeling and while parts of me would agree, mothers have been burying their children since the first mother. I’m thankful that as I read through scripture, God in all of His wisdom knew that from the beginning to the end no matter how much time has passed the words would be applicable. That His children would find comfort in them.  Life this side of heaven is full of suffering and it is hard but also beautiful and always worth it.  Even Jesus, who came to save the world endured unimaginable suffering. In John 18:11 Jesus said, “Shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?”  Even He didn’t shy away from it, He welcomed it. He knew what was to come and He moved toward it.  Oh, how He loves us.

Suffering is the consequence of sin and I won’t pretend to understand it all but I trust the One who does know. The One who, above all, wants good for us. On November 2, 2024 the enemy took hold of Tyler and he was unable to beat him.  Here is what I do know for sure the giver and taker of life allowed it. God is the only one with the authority and He allowed. But not right away, I can see how God moved in the six days from that moment to Tyler’s final breath. God called people to move quickly and because of that in Tyler’s death three lives were saved but more than those three men, I spent time in the hospital praying with nurses, talking about Jesus with the sweet woman who changed out the linens, talking about Jesus with unbelievers, talking about Jesus with anyone who would listen. And this was just my little part of all of this. How many eternities were potentially changed? You see God can turn something so horrible into good.  We have to be willing to search for that goodness. Grief has the ability to swallow you whole if you let it, honestly it’s easy to do. The fight to not let it is hard.  To see purpose in the death of your child seems an impossible task but here I am trying to see it. Me and so many others.

Thank you for continuing to reach out even when I don’t have it in me to respond at times. Knowing so many continue to pray for us is a comfort I am eternally thankful for.