Day 68.

Bear with me it was an emotional week.

This past week we started to go through some of Tyler’s accounts. It broke my heart in so many ways. But in others, it gave us a little bit more of him that we didn’t have before. Like what scripture he was reading last, Psalm 46. Tyler wasn’t bold in his faith and I would guess that there may have been people in his life that didn’t know he had a relationship with Christ. But there were so many that had the opportunity to talk to Tyler about Christ and had deeply rich conversations with him. I am one of those people! I always appreciated the conversations and how they challenged me do dive deeper into scripture to answer his questions. He is still inspiring me to dive deeper, gain more knowledge and be a better person. I wrestled with some heavy things this week.

How does the enemy get into the mind of a young man who believes? A young man who was strong in so many ways. A young man who was a member of the military. A young man who wanted to be a husband and father one day. A young man with so much going for him. A young man who had so many plans for the future. A young man that had so many who loved him. If you truly have a relationship with God and believe that Jesus is His son and that he died and rose again how can you end your own life? As his mother I have spent time this last week questioning my role in that. Did I not encourage his foundation in Christ enough? Did I not send him into the world strong enough? Did I not set a good enough example? Did I not assure him of how a broken heart will heal? Did I not ………? All of these questions are a “normal” part of this journey, I imagine. These are not questions rooted in Christ, they are from the enemy and I’m doing my best to not spend too much mulling over them.

In this hard there is growth. One of the things I have been most amazed with on this road is how God places us on the hearts of those around us. Any time there is a really hard day, someone will reach out and share a verse, words, or a song that speaks directly to the way I’m struggling. This week specifically, a dear friend sent me Psalm 77. How appropriate on a week when my soul was refusing to be comforted. That is God. This is why relationships are important and ones where we pray for each other and come along side each other in this life until our home going. Thank you to each of you who are on this journey helping us to navigate it. Thank you for not being afraid to walk the hard with us.

On this road three words have been on my mind over and over and over.

Submit. Surrender. Accept.

Every day I submit to the Lord, I surrender to His sovereignty, I (am working to) accept what He has allowed. Sometimes, multiple times a day. And sometimes it takes a lot to get me there. Even in the hard there is so much good. The slow and steady rhythm of this beautiful life we have built. The good in sitting at the table, reading with Tessie and watching her little mind explore the pages. The good in long conversations with Jacob and watching him learn how to play Tyler’s guitar. The good in a husband and wife holding on to each other and a marriage that is becoming stronger because God has us in the palm of His hand. The ongoing work to seek joy!

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah”

Psalm 46:1-3 ESV