Day 75.

I read something this week in a book, How to Carry What Can’t be fixed, that a friend gave me. It said, “There’s a journey she must go on, and she does not want to go.” That’s me, here on this journey that I don’t want to be on and I do not want to go.  But when we find ourselves on roads that aren’t of our choosing we have no choice but to find our way through it. Well, I guess we could go in circles but that isn’t how I work. I push through, I stumble and often, but ultimately I work to push through but this is different. There is not an end goal to reach. There is no checklist with boxes to tick. There is no map that tells me how to get from where I am to where I need to be. So, how do I navigate this road?  Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” If I’m being honest the light feels really dim right now but I trust that it won’t always be that way.  There are days when I protest, when I cry out in anger, and when I plead for this to not be real. But after each outburst I cry out, Lord I need you. Lord what do you have for me in this? Lord, please let me see it. Lord, please!

I’m a planner by nature and you know what they say about God and plans.  As Tyler’s mother,  I had so many hopes and dreams for his life. What he would be like as a husband and a father. How croweded would our table be one day? I think that is one of the hardest parts of this. But also, for me, it was being a mother-in-law to his wife and a grandmother to his children. But God always knew the number of his days. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:16.  Those were not God’s plans they were mine and His plans are so much better, even if it includes our pain. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11.  This verse was for a time when the Jews thought that God was against them. We see such a small picture and because we are so “me” centered it’s hard to see the good that God has for us. Can there possibly be good and hope for my future in the death of my son? It’s easy to trust when things are going well but in a time of suffering and sorrow it takes work to still trust. There are moments where I fail in this but I’m thankful that God, our Father knows my pain.  He understands and offers grace for the moments where my pain overrides my trust.

Although my heart is broken, I trust you Lord. Through my tears, I can still see your love for me.  The song Even If, by Mercy Me says “…..But God, when You Choose to leave mountains unmovable, Oh give me the strength to be able to sing, It is well with my soul.”

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.”

Psalm 33:20-22