Day 83.

Today is my birthday. For the last few years Tyler has been the first person to say happy birthday. This was thanks to the Army and it requiring him to be up early.  This year that phone call didn’t come. I miss Tyler in all of the moments and then there are moments that wreck me. This is one of them. It is hard to explain how strongly the emotions come in. The comfort in knowing where he is and at the same time the excruciating pain that he no longer walks this earth.  How can I be sad when I know where he is and that the pain and sorrow of this world are no longer for him? To be honest there are fleeting moments where the knowledge of where he is, is so comforting that peace floods in and then the pain takes over again. Not in a way that stops me from getting up and doing what needs to be done but in a way the makes it hard to be present. It’s like walking through a thick fog.

I spend a lot of time in scripture and I won’t pretend that I understand all of it fully or that the way I interpret it is the way it is intended by God. But here I am working to seek joy and find comfort and healing so that I may live a life fully and I pray a life that honors God. I have read and listened to the bible several times and each time the words reach me in different ways based on what I’m walking through. So, when I find myself in Hebrews 12:1 and it says “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,” I like to think of Tyler in our corner, cheering us on. Wanting us to navigate this life well. Grief is a strange companion. There is an emotional response but the physical one has taken me by surprise. It’s like my body is fighting an illness. I’m tired all of the time, the simplest of tasks take forever, and the desire to do almost anything just isn’t there. It’s work all of the time. It’s okay that right now I’m not okay.  If I tried to rely on myself to make it through this, I wouldn’t be able to. Not I, but Christ in me. The promise of hope keeps me going. The purpose in His plan. Trusting in His sovereignty.

If we have made plans and I broke them, keep reaching out. If I don’t respond to a message or return a phone call right away, please keep reaching out.  Thank you for continuing to walk along side us in this hard.  Thank you for the conversations which navigate to Tyler. I always want to talk about him. I don’t ever want someone to shift the conversation, it’s hard but good.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27