Day 92.

Three months. That is how long it has been since I held my son’s hand as he went from this earth to heaven. Three months since I kissed his face. Three months since I whispered in his ear  that we love him so very much and that we would be okay.   I promised him that we would be okay.  There are days when I am sure that I lied to him. Mothering through heavy sorrow is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I’m so very grateful for Jacob and Tessie.  I might not get out of the bed otherwise. There are times where I think I can’t possibly have any more tears and then there they are streaming down my face, again.

My grandfather called me Chrissy and anytime I was walking through something hard, he would say, “You gotta get up, Chrissy!” I hear him often these days and every day I get up.  Every day I get up and do the hard thing.  We all do.

The message at church last week was titled Keep on Keeping on, and spent time in 1 Corinthians 15:58 “Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” A story was then shared about a couple who had lost their son in his early twenties and when 30 years later they were sharing that they had lost their son it wasn’t with sadness. When sympathy was expressed, they said, he is in heaven.  As I listened and my tears fell, I thought, I pray that for us. I know it will come because, “Death is swallowed up in victory….” 1 Corinthians 15:55.  I trust in the will of the Lord with every fiber of my being.  I don’t doubt that His plan is far greater than any I could have for this life.  His plan does not promise a life without suffering and “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4   Every day we have to just keep on keeping on!

Last night a devotion was shared with me and it was titled “How trials become triumphs.”  God’s plan included the crown of thorns and the cross for Jesus.  Oh how he loves us! Can you imagine being Jesus, he knew what was to come. Also in this devotion it said, “the very things which seem to break us are the things which really make us.”  How does God turn this trial into a triumph? When Tyler went to heaven it was as if I shattered into tiny little pieces all over the place and all of the pieces will never go back to the way they were but what if all of those broken pieces make something even more beautiful.  With God that is possible. So here I am, putting the pieces together, slow and steady. And by the grace of God, those broken pieces will do good work for the Lord!

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness….” 2 Corinthians 12:9